Ugh. I ticked myself off today a couple times, mostly because all of a sudden I've sunken into this lethargy -- sit in place, stare at computer screen. Blankly. You know the drill. Played Escape Velocity: Nova for disgusting amounts of time, and even after I was done playing, couldn't bring myself to stand up much, or do my homework, or anything, much, and I don't know why.

No, scratch that, I know.

Well, I sort of know. Every time I ask myself if I'm really upset, the answer -- at least consciously -- is 'no', or 'it's not a big deal'. See above paragraph for why I tend to argue with myself on this particular point.

Maybe this is where I get my fear of rejection. Not so much fear of rejection from girls -- goodness knows I've had to deal with that often enough -- but fear of rejection from a direction. Like a path you hoped -- I hoped -- your life, my life, whatever, would take.

So, yeah, in the news today, I got rejected by Cal Berkeley.

Whatevah. No big deal. I'll just brush it off like I just brushed off the rejection from UCLA. 'Cept I wasn't planning on going to UCLA anyw--oh, hell, I'm such a liar. Getting rejected from Berkeley was a shake-up, and proof again to myself that I'm human -- not that I so much needed it as the people who seemed assured that I'd get in.

So what's left for me, then? I want to stay in the city, badly, but I already 'stated' that I wouldn't go to SFSU, or may as well have. So that's out. Davis? Sure, not so bad, really, except...Davis...over an hour from home. I don't know if I could seriously do that. Especially since, as things stand, I'm not desperate to attend the place anyway.

UC Irvine? Frankly, I'm still waiting for my rejection letter. I didn't do the audition for Music, because I wasn't really seriously considering SoCal (I mean, come on -- if Davis is a stretch, then Irvine?) much to poor Kamy's dismay. And yet I'm still 'being reviewed and evaluated'. I'm either the hardest to figure out, or the bottom of the stack as far as acceptance. And it -is- far away.

Hayward or San Jose? yeah, maybe. Hayward's theoretically about as close as Davis, possibly closer, and it's near Pleasanton, @whee. (Well, a little near. BART near, anyway.) I could still hop BART home on weekends, assuming I could make it to the bloody thing. But I didn't like their choir when I saw it, and I have no idea whether or not they've got much in the way of vocal jazz -- or non-music majors. I'm still undecided if not undeclared. San Jose...dunno. I have a couple friends down there, okay, but do I really wanna?....no strong leanings, I guess.

Or I could go to CCSF and transfer to Berkeley -- if I want to badly enough. Am I really that desperate to stay in the city, though? And end up taking another two years of, essentially, high school?

And not that I mind it too much, but damn, the sheer amount of beating I'd take at school for going to city is kinda scary. But is it worth it for Berkeley?

...I'll tell you what...or more appropriately, I'll tell me what -- here's a scary thought.

UOP is still open for admissions.

If there's anyone up there (or down there, or out there) watching over me, as the case may be, please don't let me make a stupid choice....

What have I determined? In metaphor!

I'm not a vegetable. Nor am I a fruit.
I'm not a doughboy, or Leach's apple or pear.

I am a little cheesy, and a bit corny.

I'm not all sugar and spice, but I'm not bitter.
I don't have a fresh lemony tang.
I don't supply your daily vitamins or minerals.
I don't think I'm FDA approved. Or USDA select.
I'm also not very fiber-enriched.

I can't come in slices of 6 or 8, and I don't come economy-sized. I'm not even sure I come regular-size, much less value pack.

Sometimes I'm not so much the peas as the pod.
I know the way the cookie crumbles.
I'm like a bag of mixed nuts -- I'm packaged with several of my own and many, many of another type.
I am a late bloomer, who takes a while to get ripe, and is better once given some time.

I've fallen off the tree, but that doesn't mean I'm gone.

---

Today was great. Was going to walk to Chris's with Diana before the 'shindig' (I really do like that word! Honest!) at Alicia's, except Diana kinda woke up late, so that was out. Tis ok, though; sometimes I wonder if Diana wouldn't rather keep a little distance anyway. Can't say as I blame her. But aaaanyway.

The party itself was quite fun. First time really playing Pictionary and what? That's right, my team wins. ...Okay, gloating's done. Alicia's mom is excellent with a grill (such as it was? ;) and I learned that, as I ought to expect from someone enamored with food, Alicia is a veeery good baker. That was some tasty coffee cake. *basks in the afterimage*

All that I'm concerned about is what I heard when I walked out, but it's not something I want to recap just because I don't like the angry attitude I've been taking towards it. =/ I don't like being angry. Or annoyed or depressed...I think I lose some of my biggest conversational value when I stop and just start whining.

And boy, if you set me to it I can whine. o.O Haven't placed a four-hour phone call in a looong time, but it was certainly for a good cause (I think). Even though the conversation tended to meander and wander around long hills and roads and paths and probably through a couple back lawns and porches, I managed to vent a little, whine aplenty and just...get some stuff off my chest. Of course, that doesn't take care of everything, but there are some things I guess I can't really tell people. Even Alicia, who I consider one of my (not so) famous 'clickers' -- people I get along with right off the bat.

Oh, well. At least I'm not a walking enigma. *chuckle* As usual, this'll all make sense at some point. At least to me. Everyone else might get lost, but y'know, if I feel better for having written it, then what's it matter?

Passover's tomorrow night...sigh. I don't argue with having the ceremony, exactly, or with having relatives come by, or with the week of no yeast (It's really not all that bad!) but the dinner itself for some reason has begun to feel a little more like a hassle in recent years, and I'm not sure if I'm just happy I'm figuring that out or not so happy that I feel that way. I guess it has to do with my rather ambiguous feeling on religiousness...but...that's a story for another day. And I do it anyway, and I don't kvetch through the whole thing, and...I dunno. It's not that I won't do it, y'know? I'm just...a little ambiguous, I guess.

Odd. I had a lot more to say in this one -- go figure?

Man, talking to Alicia reminded me that prom is coming up. Should I seriously start thinking dates now? At this point if I try to I think my head might implode -- not pretty. On the other hand, my dad seems to like pointing out that if I don't, then the person (or people, heh) that I might want to go with will not only be taken, but will be -absolutely- taken. After the fiasco with Winter Ball, regardless of whether it finally turned out all right, I think that's not something I really wanna consider. Except I think I'm scared of asking. =)

My goodness, it's almost 4 AM! This is, heh, almost as bad as a four-hour phone call. But what the hey -- what's the point of having a blog if you can't make long-winded, meandering outpourings of worry on it?

Time to run. I promised somebody that I'd get some sleep "soon" around 2 AM and I think that if I stay up any longer I'll be going back on it. =p